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Falling Back - Poetry

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by 5x12 (bren), Apr 16, 2019.

  1. As per my last poem, it's about my girlfriend if I can really call her that at this point. This is a rather depressing poem, but enjoy.
    "Falling Back" - Feedback is always appreciated.

    Falling back into arms I already fell into
    And I don't know if I can once again trust you
    Sure you may have been a part of the few
    Girls who had my heart but you went through

    it and broke it into pieces and shards
    And being with you becomes increasingly hard
    Cause there was barely any connection
    I tried to make it work with raw affection

    But you didn't notice the efforts I put in
    I'm falling back into the place where this all did begin
    And loving somebody like I did you, it's been
    A long time, I can feel that love in my bones and on my skin

    But maybe I'm not the best you could do or have done
    And we're young, Ash, perhaps to you I wasn't the one
    I often fear that I may not be the best or even enough
    And the flaws I got? Man there are plenty of stuff

    I'm not buff, I'm not very tough - I got low self esteem
    I tend to stay inside cause I fear all that I dream
    Coming crashing down on me, that's why I try to be a beam
    To support people, my emotions are often times extreme

    I'm a bit too dramatic, for a 16 year old, I feel
    In a way most people don't even see as real
    I'm falling back into a relationship that will consume
    Me in a horrifying way now I'm stuck inside my room

    Writing trying to think of ways I can break this curse
    Without making this current situation even worse
    And I know I won't be your last and wasn't your first
    I know this won't be my first or last verse

    On this topic cause our relationship seems sort of dead
    I guess the title of couple went a bit to my head
    Cause I was too blind to see the toxic our relationship's got
    And you sold me on your love and I can't believe I bought

    Knowing what others have offered me before, I still went
    For the bargain and the outcome of this doesn't make me content
    Cause I tried to be warm, but you were cold and I try to vent
    This problem was the one thing I thought being with you would prevent

    I'm still falling back and your arms aren't even out
    And I thought you'd catch me, but I guess I lost to doubt
    People say we're together but I feel alone when you're around
    And I know if I keep falling, I'll eventually hit the ground

    Truth be told, I'm a bit vulnerable and I'm sort of upset
    Cause I thought this relationship wouldn't become a regret
    You play me like a game, but with me there isn't a reset
    But I know I'll keep falling back to you and I'll forget

    Everything that's happening with you, what effects me
    And unfortunately this seems to be a cycle I see
    You promise change but the only changes are your attacks
    On me, I wonder when I'll hit the ground cause I'm still falling back
     
    Posted Apr 16, 2019
  2. This is sad. Nice writing though! I couldn't write something that majestic. I'm no expert, but by the way you're describing your "girlfriend", you should break up.
    --- Post updated ---
    If it's a one way relationship, then it isn't one.
     
    Posted Apr 16, 2019
  3. i didn't read it but it looks good
     
    Posted Apr 21, 2019
    heckings likes this.
  4. I read your first poem and for a second poem, this is not bad!

    Again, I'm going to put my two cents on your poem, even though I'm not a professional writer nor a 'critic'.

    The main 'flaws' with this poem is similar to your last one. You can check my reply on your previous poem again if you want, but what I basically mean is:

    You seem to try too hard in forcing each 2 sentences to rhyme. I mean, rhyming is not a bad thing, but when it feels forced, to the point that it affects your vocabulary choice, I think you should give up one or two rhymes and instead use better, more precise words.

    Also, organisation could have been better. It might be a 'style' thing to put this poem as a bunch of random thoughts, so I'm not going to say too much about it.

    Though, content- and emotion-wise, your poem is pretty good. I can strongly feel the emotions you're trying to convey, and you can clearly describe the cause of your negative emotions in great detail.

    I really wish your relationship will work out, but, when "people say we're together but I feel alone when you're around", you might consider working on your common grounds, or even worse, ending this relationship. I'm not encouraging you to give up your relationship, but rather telling you that it is a valid last resort.

    Best of luck, both in your relationship and in your future writings!
     
    Posted Apr 22, 2019

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